


Desperation

by IttyBittyTeapot (LittleSeedofDarkness)



Series: As Time Stood Still [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ereri canonverse Weekend 2017, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Porn with Feelings, canon age gap, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 04:33:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10506390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSeedofDarkness/pseuds/IttyBittyTeapot
Summary: How Levi became this to Eren seemed a mystery at first, but Levi's beginning to understand it better now. Eren bears a burden no one else would appreciate the way he does. To recognize this isn't arrogance, but something revealed after coming to understand him intimately, and in turn better understand himself.Written for Ereri Canonverse Weekend, Day 1: Budding Romance





	

**Author's Note:**

> This will be the first in a series of three one-shots that will all tie together. I had to do it because it's canonverse, and that's my thing. The next one will be posted tomorrow, and the final one on Sunday.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you like it, and don't hesitate to let me know what you think. I really like comments. <3 <3 <3

  There's a knock at Levi's door, he knows who it is, but he's not sure if he's expected it or not. Not sure if Eren's here to scream at him, is seeking what he typically comes to him for, or possibly something else entirely.

  "I thought maybe you hated me," Levi says as he opens the door, then walks to his bed and seats himself at the edge. It has worn on him for the duration of Eren's time in the jail, and this is the first time they've been alone since he and Hanji let him out this morning.

  "I thought I did at first, but not anymore," Eren admits.

  His emotions are tangible, knocking around under the surface, and Levi can feel them like the beginnings of a storm on the horizon, sees it written on Eren's face, but he stays quiet, watches as Eren moves further into his room, yet still doesn't make a move to get close to him. He's reserved, standoffish, and it causes Levi's chest to ache.

  "You've never hated me for my decisions, Levi, even when you could have. It wouldn't make sense for me to hate you for yours, even if you had saved Erwin instead."

  "But you're still angry because I almost did." It's not a question.

  "Yes, but I shouldn't be." Eren crosses his arms, looks carefully at Levi, seems so much older than he is at that moment. "Did you save Armin for me?"

  He may destroy it all, slay what's between them before it's barely begun, but he won't lie to Eren. "No, I did it because it was what Erwin wanted… what he would have chosen. I gave him peace." 

  "Good." Levi looks at Eren closer before he continues, shocked, though he realizes nothing Eren does should shock him anymore. "I don't think _this_ would have worked with the weight of that between us."

  "So, there's still a _this_?" he asks, gesturing between himself and Eren.

  Eren's face softens, and he looks so much older again, Levi thinks before he watches him sigh and regard him like he's an imbecile. "Of course there's still _this_ … _us_."

  Levi is flustered, not with Eren, but with himself. He still doesn't know how to do this, and given recent events, it's more difficult now, but Eren's always been so patient with him, does just the right things when he needs them, and there's a fear in him that he's not reciprocating them properly.

  He supposes someday he'll learn, and almost chuckles out loud when he realizes that Eren is the one teaching him and not the other way around. Even now, in the faint light of his room, while he watches relieved as Eren crosses the distance to where he's sitting on the edge of his bed, he knows Eren is the one leading him. Not that he doesn't feel the same way that Eren does, he knows he does, but where Levi stands at the edge and waits, Eren approaches; always. For the most part, it's because Levi has left this up to him, it's also partially because this kind of love paralyzes Levi with fear.

  He's been patient, waiting like some undiscovered beacon for him, never pursuing, never pressing. Kept it inside, shrouded as best he could until Eren sought him out, confronted him, begged him for comfort one night after a horrific day, bawled on his shoulder before he calmed and began kissing him.

  "I missed you," Eren says, kneeling down before him, silent then, free of judgment, those jeweled eyes flicking up to Levi's as if to say, ‘we're alright,' before his hands are moving to his gear. Unfastening buckles, removing each strap, hands smoothing over his body where the leather laid against it marring his pale flesh. All the troubles which come with that harness swiped away with confident strokes of Eren's fingers until he's pulling it all off and hanging it on the hook on the wall by the end of Levi's bed.

  Levi watches, eyes following his every movement, Eren's hands as they travel down to his harness, and he feels himself stand, feet moving of their own accord, without contemplation as he settles in front of him, does the same thing for Eren that he's just done for him.

  He's not sure if this is what people do when they feel this way, if this is how it's _supposed_ to be, but he's running without conscious thought now, just going on feeling and urges, and the prodding of ineffable sentiments that he doesn't quite understand. But this; this feels ‘right,' and he knows it must be when he looks up at Eren, eyes warm and appreciative, something else there, too, that Levi can't figure out, but he knows it's something overwhelming.

  He doesn't speak as he strips Eren of the leather, hangs it up on that same hook along with his own, takes his hands and draws him back, next to the bed. Levi’s not great at showing it, he thinks, but he's better at showing than saying.

  They look at each other for a moment, lost in the gaze of eyes shining back amidst them, before hands are moving up to buttons on shirts, arms getting in the way, wild, desperate to feel one another after not being able to for so long. They don't kiss or take the time to touch, only pull at each other's clothes, some forlorn longing, dichotomous to the fever brewing inside of each of them, demanding they bare themselves until they're exposed before one another for the first time.

  Their evening ritual has been going on for a month now -aside from the days when Eren was locked up. It's the first time it's only been skin with no clothes between them, but Levi returns to their routine, treasuring the familiarity they already share, grateful that it wasn't just destroyed over his choice and everything that lead up to it. As Levi settles on the bed, he drags Eren down with him like he always does. Not hard, but a gentle coaxing, something like an invitation. One Eren could easily refuse if he were so inclined. But he doesn't, only follows Levi down and settles on his side next to him, looks at Levi looking at him, hand moving up to cover Levi's where it's settled over the center of his chest.

  Feeling the beat of Eren's heart under his hand might be the best thing he's felt in his life, Levi thinks as he struggles to find words which describe something that is quickly becoming indescribable. That beat assures him he's alive, that they've made it through another day, will wake up with a chance to make it through one more. He hasn't asked before, but he thinks he'd like to awaken in the morning with Eren beside him. It feels like it's too soon for that, but there may not be such a thing as that in the world they live.

  Either of them could draw their last breath before the next sunset, and it would never have happened. The sweet consideration of _too soon_ , becoming a _never again_ , thousands of quiet moments through the ticking of time lost to the finality of death and parting and unbearable regret. Their reality provides no quarter for those unwilling to jump, perhaps blindly, possibly with more impulsivity than what is considered ‘right' or ‘proper.'

  "Stay with me tonight?" Levi asks, undemanding, unassertive, yet he's the heard the crack of desperation in his voice, and he knows Eren's heard it too.

  His answer is swift. Eren's other hand coming up to press Levi's harder against his chest, holds it there, green eyes that sparkle like cut crystals meeting tired gray. Levi doesn't need to hear it, the gesture and the expression on his face is enough, but still, his voice cutting through the silence calms his exhausted soul. "Yeah, I'll stay."

  Eren seals the vow with a kiss, light and pure, almost virginal. No more implications held within it than a conveyance of affection, something more delving too. It's a promise, commitment, an assurance of their bond, rather than a guarantee of erotic activities.

  It's not that neither of them wants more, won't seek more from each other, but that's not why Levi asked, and Eren has an awareness of that. Although, the knowledge that they could cross the distance between them into something new is there, so sure that they could almost cut it with a blade.

  So far, they've shared kisses and long embraces, tangling each other up with arms and legs, and there have been nights when it's been Eren crying and Levi laying light kisses on his jaw and cheeks when he's finally all cried out. They've taken naps huddled up together in Levi's bed, waking only to lay there silently, breathing each other in, but for how much they cherish it, how much they require one another as of late, Eren always departs before morning's light.

  Whether Eren's staying to cry, or because he wants something else, Levi doesn't know, and he's not certain what he wants right now other than simply having Eren there. Here in his arms, because when he's there, Levi knows he exists, that he's real. That Eren isn't one of those, who've been added to the pile of bodies, countless, gone but not forgotten. He knows Eren isn't a ghost, isn't only a memory.

  It isn't long before watching, and holding isn't enough, and Eren is tracing the edge of Levi's jaw, brushing his lips over his neck, then rubbing his cheeks and the tip of his nose slowly all over Levi’s face while leaving kisses behind. As if he can't only feel him with his fingers, but needs to confirm his presence with something else, as well. Levi allows him this, closes his eyes, basks in his touch, not only because Eren needs it, and it's his way to confirm his realness, but because he desires it just as much. Will accept whatever it is that Eren will do to him.

  It escalates faster than Levi expects this time, and his eyes open when Eren grips him tighter, feels his fingers digging into his arms, then there's that familiar shudder and the shaky breaths. He pulls Eren closer to him, runs his fingers through the hair on the back of his head, and presses Eren's face against his neck. If he needs to spend the entire night crying he won't begrudge it, he'll lay there and hold him.

  He knew this would be grueling for him, and loathed they had to lock him away during the aftermath of what had occurred. Knew Eren would be pent up with sorrow, would blame himself in some manner, that he'd have to get it out somehow. Either by doing this or coming here to berate him if he couldn't forgive him.

  How Levi became this to Eren seemed a mystery at first, but Levi's beginning to understand it better now. Eren bears a burden no one else would appreciate the way he does. To recognize this isn't arrogance, but something revealed after coming to understand Eren intimately, and in turn better understand himself.

  And that understanding is confirmed as Levi feels tears falling softly onto his skin, running down over his neck and cheek, and he can tell Eren's holding back, hiccupping as he attempts to keep the floodgates from opening too far. The misery is unrelenting, though, and Levi feels his hand flex open and shut as a bolt of panic takes him, and he realizes he doesn't have any idea what to do.

  "Eren?" Levi whispers. He's usually silent, comforts with soothing circles to Eren's back, and something to hang onto, but he's compelled to do more now after being away from Eren, after believing he might never allow him to embrace him this way again.

  There's no answer from Eren, but instead, a whimper of acknowledgment, then a sniffle before Levi's looking into glassy green eyes only inches from his own.

  "Eren?" His fingers come up to brush away the fringe of bangs he's half hiding behind.

  "I don't want to be mad at you anymore," Eren says before he's pressing his lips hard against Levi's, almost devouring him, rolling on top of him, and pressing him back against the bed.

  Eren's a wound-up ball of emotions right now, pulled so thin that Levi fears he might shatter, and this doesn't truly surprise him. If that mournful scream that roars out of his titan form –the one that almost tears Levi's heart in half every time he hears it- is anything to judge by, he should have expected this.

  It's like Eren has to kiss his anger away, maybe do more than that to Levi to make it disappear, and Levi lets him for now, waits to see how far he'll go. He hardens almost too much when Eren's teeth scrape his lips, nearly scratching them, and feels Eren's erection press against his thigh as Eren begins to grind against him. He doesn't want their first fuck to be like this, but if that's what Eren requires, he'll consent, even let Eren pound him into the mattress if that would only stop his suffering.

  A groan catches in Levi’s throat at the conflict of attempting to pull Eren off this edge he's on and the feeling of Eren pressing his knee up against his cock. He moves his leg up against Eren's crotch then pulls him down harder against his chest when Eren reacts to that more than he's responding to the gentle touches he's been running over his back. Maybe he only needs to come. Perhaps it's what his rage and despair have built up to for the moment.

  It's enough to make Eren back off a hair, less ferocious when Levi grasps his dick, squeezes him, rubs his hand up and down over his length until the kisses become less bruising and he seems to lighten. Levi lets him thrust into his hand, doesn't pay attention to his own wants; his cock craving touch, and then as quickly as he began, Eren is shaking against him and biting his neck with a cry, coming into his fist, and Levi hears him sniffling again.

  Though he wants to comfort wordlessly, Levi knows he can't, and before it devolves into Eren crying and then humping his leg until he comes once again, Levi speaks; a barely there whisper against Eren's ear. "I'm not letting you go."

  He hears a sigh, but it's high-pitched, drawn out, then feels Eren's breathing increase, and he fears he's said the wrong thing before Eren's murmuring against his neck. "I'm sorry."

  "Why?" Levi asks.

  It takes a minute or two of Eren shivering through ragged breaths, silent, and Levi knows he's trying again to stem the flow of tears, trying to pull himself together before he says anything.

  "I shouldn't have been mad at you." He moves his face away from Levi's neck, it's tear stained, his eyes are puffy and red, and he wipes his cheeks before he stretches out beside Levi and continues. "It was childish."

  "Don't shed tears over being angry at me," Levi scolds.

  "It was shitty of me. You lost something, and I didn't even think about that."

  Levi supposes Eren is somewhat correct, though he's still not angry or resentful toward him over this. It's a product of Eren's experiences, the person he is, and he's sure locking him up so soon after everything hasn't made it any easier. The last thing Eren ever needed was to brood, be forced to sit in a room with only his thoughts, trapped in his head, and Levi knows that.

  "I'm not the only one, Eren."

  "But you and Erwin, it was like you and—"

  He has to cut him off because if Eren's about to say what he thinks, Levi can't leave the inaccuracy to hang between them. "Like you and me?"

  "Yeah," Eren says, leaning up so he can better look at Levi.

  "No," Levi corrects him, and he supposes he understands why Eren would think that. "It was something different, not nearly as heavy. Not like this, and we never…"

  "But you wanted to?" It's clear Eren doesn't know if he's crossing a line by asking, and Levi can tell he's apprehensive, notices how the question sits on the tip of his tongue before it passes his lips.

  "No, it wasn't like that. I can't explain it any easier than I can explain us, but it wasn't the same."

  "But you miss him."

  "Yes, something tore in me that day, but not for the reason you think." Levi is vaguely astonished that he admits it to Eren, says it with Eren's come still covering his palm, but it serves as further evidence of how deep the bond between them has gone. Levi doesn't know what to call them, and he doubts Eren does either, but the name, the title, whatever it might be is unimportant. A label serves to give no further meaning to what exactly they are, so Levi doesn't search for one. It's sufficient to know he and Eren belong to each other now.

  "I'm still sorry." Eren looks distraught, but he doesn't cry.

  "I know, but don't dwell on your regrets. We don't have time for that." Levi kisses Eren's forehead, and he wants to pull him closer, but his hand is still covered in his come, so he departs to the bathroom, and washes. When he returns, he sees Eren on the bed, laying there, and Eren's smiling, and Levi's certain it's the first time he's seen that smile since before everyone died.

  When Levi's back on the bed, he's crawling into Eren's open awaiting arms, pressing his head on Eren's chest, feels the rumble in there when he speaks.

  "I don't want to go to sleep," Eren says, and Levi hears the anxiety in his voice.

  "We don't have to." He knows Eren has nightmares, knows that's why he stays so late sometimes, and being here together after having been separated might draw them out. "We can just lay here."

  "Will you fuck me?" Eren whispers, and Levi nearly doesn't catch it, but the vulgarity of the word Eren chooses is so diametric to the soft pleading voice he uses that Levi almost laughs.

  They've already crossed the line, already traveled too far to come back, and these feelings are never going away. Levi's not going to deny him, and he doesn't want to, as long as it's what Eren wants.

  "Yeah, if you're certain," Levi says, and the only response he's given is Eren gluing himself against his body, and shoving his tongue in his mouth. Some of that desperation, which was so palpable before remains, but it's deeper now. Levi can feel it in the way Eren moves, feels it in the way he thrusts against him, how his hands are running hungrily up and down his sides. It's as if Eren's not just against him, but within him; up in his chest, tearing around inside, like he's invading his spirit, and he doesn't want that feeling to stop.

  Levi presses him back, straddles him, holds his hands down against the bed. Eren's still frantic, like a caged beast, and he wants him to relax before they go any further, wants to know Eren wants this. He can't bear the idea that Eren will wake up in the morning and think it was a mistake.

  "Calm down," Levi says, locks eyes with him for a moment, then places soft, slow kisses against Eren's lips.

  "I can't," Eren whines, back bowing as he arches up beneath Levi, desperate for his touch.

  Eren feels like a rubber band about to snap, and Levi lets go of one of his hands, grasps his cock, runs slow, firm strokes over him, squeezing, swipes his thumb over the head trying to make Eren just feel.

  Eren is all heavy breaths and moans immediately, neck stretched, and head pressed back into Levi's pillow, but he's calmed the fuck down, calms, even more, when Levi leans down, kisses his neck, sucks on the hollow where it meets his chest.

  Levi just worships him, dives so deep, the same way Eren did earlier with all his rage and sadness and guilt, but these aren't those sentiments. Contrastingly, they're the opposite, the same drive is there, though, and like Eren's emotions, this is spurred by love. Love that Levi can't build up the courage to admit with words. He can't say it, can't force the, ‘I love you' that's settled in the back of his mouth to pass his lips, so he kisses him instead, tells him that way. Watches in awe as he sees the change in Eren's eyes, in his expression, sees him come undone, feels his chest tighten content when Eren whines a begging, "please" against his lips.

  "What do you want?" Levi asks. He has to be certain, and certain how Eren wants this, because he doesn't know yet if Eren wants him inside him or the other way around, and he's not going to be so presumptuous as to make an assumption regardless that he suspects Eren wants to be fucked.

  "I already told you," Eren whimpers.

  Levi can hear the frustration in his voice, the annoyance that he's halted kissing and touching him to be careful, to have it confirmed.

  He's about to be more specific, but Eren's impatient and wraps his legs around his waist, presses his hips up, lets the tip of Levi's cock press up against his ass.

  "I want this," Eren says, pushes against his dick again, cheeks coloring red because he doesn't want to say it. 

  If Levi moves his hips forward at all, he'll be going inside him, but he doesn't want to hurt Eren, and he hopes fingering him will stem some the urgency Eren is filled with again. Levi stops him for a moment, kisses him, runs his hand over his cheek before he tells him to wait. He doesn't have anything made for _this_ , and it takes him a minute of thinking before he remembers that some of the balm he puts on burns and scrapes is in a jar on his bedside table.

  When Levi looks at Eren after he retrieves it, he's biting his lip, panting as he watches Levi scoop some of the ointment onto his fingers, and Levi is sure Eren couldn't look more wanton if he tried his hardest. He was expecting nervousness, trepidation, but he knows there's none of that when Eren spreads his legs, closes his eyes, grabs the bedding, bracing himself before Levi's even touched him.

  "Tell me if it hurts," Levi says as he spreads some of the balm over Eren's skin. Then wonders how in the hell he's not going to come before he even gets inside him when he hears Eren practically growl. He's so wound up, pressing down against his fingers right away, and Levi pushes one inside, deciding to make him wait, is probably too much for the overstrung brat.

  He's rapturous instantly, and Levi watches as Eren moves his hips to meet each slow thrust of his finger, and he knows this is what Eren needed, this intimacy, Levi doing something to him, touching him, making him _feel_ enough to erase all the hurt and self-condemnation and remorse.

  Eren's hazy, wrapped up in the sensations, but he opens his eyes and Levi looks at him, all that cloudiness and sorrow is gone, and it's replaced with something else. Levi thinks he sees the same thing that he can't admit yet in those eyes, and yes, that's what he _knows_ is there. It's enough to pull him in, and press his mouth against Eren's, take his lips again, swallow his cries, feel every little movement he makes as he pushes his body against his.

  All the need to make certain, to be sure, Levi's fears that they're going too far are discarded when Eren captures his lip, smashes his cock up against his own, and moans against his mouth, pleading for more.  And Levi gives into his demand, leaves marks across his jaw as he stretches him. They'll soon be gone, so he observes them now, savors that he put them there, leaves bites and scrapes from his teeth across his chest, covers Eren, marks him everywhere, bruises kiss-reddened lips and does it all over again until Eren is ready and begging for his cock.

  Regardless of Eren's ardent commands that he hurries up, his impatient twisting on the bed, Levi is careful to apply a generous amount of the balm to himself before he settles between Eren's legs, nudges himself against his ass, looks into his eyes, and begins to guide himself inside. Eren's eyes go wide, and for a fleeting moment, Levi thinks it might be too much, but then Eren is gripping his shoulders, legs wrap around him, and Eren's burying his face against his neck. A chorus of little, "yes, yes, yes, yes's" puffing against Levi's skin, as he feels their hips meet.

  He stays there still, briefly, kisses Eren rapt, hungry, lovingly, before he's pulling back and pushing in again. Eren's fingers are digging into his shoulders, and he never thought he could pull noises out of Eren's like what he’s hearing. Eren's unabashed, shamelessly crying out so loud that Levi is sure everyone in the building has heard him. He barely cares, and he cares even less when he angles his hips and Eren is grasping him tighter, screaming out his pleasure against his flesh. He grinds into him like that, driving into that spot over and over again, relishing his body singing beneath him, seeing Eren content, beyond content, something else entirely.

  If he knew he could have healed Eren with this, he would have tried before, long before. It's more than sexual, physical gratification, though. So much more, it's this connection between them, the one that's existed in their hearts and on their skin, in those gentle touches now manifesting in something more. Something precious that comes from them being joined in this fashion and Levi understands that cliché about being one with someone now, a sentiment he never believed before. Because he never found that love like this existed, thought it was a lie, thought it was a fairytale.

  And Levi knows Eren feels the same thing too, can see it in his eyes as their bodies move against each other, experiences it everywhere inside and over him when Eren runs his fingers across his skin, takes his face in his hands, looks like he might cry. Not because he's sad, but overwhelmed with the feeling, not just the physicality of it, but what it symbolizes, what it means for them.

  Looking away is impossible now, their eyes locked even as the pace quickens, and Eren presses his cock up against Levi's sweat covered stomach, lets him slide over him, and it makes him come again.

  As he feels Eren's body grip him, convulse around him, Levi still doesn't look away. Eren's beautiful floating on that wave of his orgasm, his entire body trembling, keening whines moving past parted lips with each thrust Levi drives into him until he's joining Eren, spilling himself inside, going until he can't go anymore, can barely hold himself up on shaking arms.

  When Levi feels like he's about to collapse, Eren pulls him down, strong arms once again there to catch him. Not figurative this time like usual, but real, around him warm and sweetly crushing, holding him so tight it feels like Eren will never let him go.

  Levi feels like he should say the words, especially now with Eren holding him, drawing circles over his back, gifting him kisses over and over, branding his taste into his lips, but he can't. There's been too much loss, and Levi's sure if he says them, Eren will be ripped away from him somehow. Either by Titans, the world as a whole, or perhaps by Eren himself. He can't make his love for Eren disappear, doesn’t want to, but if he doesn't voice it, if he only expresses it wordlessly, Levi thinks he may have a chance to hang on to this beautiful thing they have between them.

  Eren is untroubled, they will survive to see the next sunrise, he has Eren in his bed, and he's not going to leave. It's enough for now, and he's grateful for the present, for the lull in Eren’s suffering, and it’s all he needs for the moment. I love you’s can come later.


End file.
